Friday, September 17, 2010

The Nymphos of Rocky Flats (No, wait! Come back...)

I got nothing on this one. ...nothing.
   Do you like vampires but you're sick and tired of the flaming homosexuality and general emo attitude of every single goddamn modern vampire mythos out there today? Well, have I got the book for you!

  Our hero is Felix Gomez, (a beaner? No wai!) an Iraqi war veteran-turned-vampire. But instead of despising his vampire nature and getting all weepy like a bitch the whole time, Felix embraces the fact that he's on top of the food chain and proceeds to be a skull crunchingly badass motherfucker. Having only been a vampire for a short time, and beating the fuck out of anything that looks at him wrong, he's recognized by the Arenium, which is sort of like the vampire U.N., and is quickly recruited as a curb stomping enforcer of vampire law.

   Ultimately, cool shit happens, asses are thoroughly dryfucked by the vampire cock of justice, and all is right with the world. 

    Now, I lurk the fantasy/Sci-fi section of bookstores like newfags need to lurk image based message boards, and I had spent about three years patently avoiding this book. Walking past it, seeing it sitting there in the "A" section as I look for books by Robert Asprin, Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, and occasionally Piers Anthony. ...mocking me. My eye would be drawn to this book time and time again, and I would ignore it time and time again. Until one day, when I had nothing else that I felt like reading and it was on sale. I cursed myself, grabbed the book, and covered my face while I was standing in line to hide my shame.

   What I would've never guessed was how much I was going to LOVE this book, and for the most part every subsequent book in the series thus far.

   Judgment: Buy this book, shit's fun to read, yo.

"You want I...     ...zcrub ya dick?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Midway poast.....

Look guys (and gals), I usualy only make one post a day, but I feel I need to clear the air. I'm getting mixed reviews in regards to the Turkish Bath House pics, so I need some input, to bath house or not to bath house.

  Pic related: It's a bath House.
We're probably going to get drunk and fuck later.

A Kiss Before the Apocolypse (...seriously)

   In the ripe tradition of entertainment milestones the likes of daytime TV's Hercules, Zena, Touched by an Angel, and the Perennial Highway to Heaven, Mr. Sniegoski has woven a tale to warm the hearts and minds of middle aged women all over the world.

   In all honesty, it's not that bile inducingly bad. While the level of sloppy romantic vaginosity is slightly higher than I like in relationship to the level of scrotum bursting ass kickery, the story promises enough to look past it. ...but just barely.

   Our Hero is Remy Chandler, he works as a Private Eye and sometime expert in collaboration with the local Police Department. But wait just a cock mongling minute! Could it be true that this "Remy" might be more than he seems? You're goddamn right he is! This ain't no small time private dick, this motherfucker is the angel Remiel, one of the throat punching bad ass leaders of God's Army. When Lucifer rose up all alpha as fuck to get his shit, Remiel grabbed his flaming sword, donned his archangel armor, and smacked Lucifer down like a bitch!

  Problem was, after the war, Remiel went all pussified and renounced his place at God's right hand. He moved down to earth to live as a human. It's kind of like quitting your job at Google to go work for McDonald's... Anyway, long story short, Remiel is now Remy and he lives on earth, shit threatens earth, four horsemen of the apocalypse show up, Remy puts the smack down on them and his aged wife dies a tear jerking death.

Final judgment: Don't bother unless you have some time to kill and are out of interesting things to do.
Watch for the sequel: Man, Dog, Sword

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

And Now, For Your Reading Pleasure, Superhero Bobblehead Reveiws Four Children's Books

   Per the request of one of my most adamant supporters, Silly Old Bum, who's content is both informative and pleasing to the eye, I am going to recommend some books that can be enjoyed by both adults and children alike.

Bitches don't know 'bout my Clockdog
   One of the paramount children's books of all time has to be The Phantom Tollbooth, but don't let the "children's" thing scare you away. This Book is like an acid trip through musicland, seriously reads like it's a second cousin to Yellow Submarine. There's so much fucking imagery in this book that, if read aloud to your child, you find yourselves both transported to the same fantasy world.

   protip: Smoke some weed or have a couple of cocktails and mimic the characters voices as you read it to a small child, shit's fun, yo.


"Does my face make my face look scary?"

   Okay, I know what you're thinking; "Clive Barker? Who the fuck is going to read to their kids some shit that was written by  the master of modern horror?". The obvious answer to that is: You, you sick fuck. Mr. Barker is, in fact, a fantastic writer of children's suspense, providing vivid imagery, and fantastic over the top characters that can range from the magical, to the mundane, to the downright fucking frightening. But the story is great, kind of like The Puppet Master meets Peter Pan (but without the brutal, yet comic, murder sequences).

   protip: Do not read this to a child under 8 years old before bed.

   Oh, Terry. It's a shame that he's suffering from Alzheimer's disease, he really is the best. Anyway, The Wee Free Men is a book about Pictsies (Not bloody Pixies, ya wanker!). Pictsies are these little blue, kilt waring, hard drinking, hard fighting, sheep stealing, prank playing assholes who befriend a little girl who happens to be an outcast and aspiring witch. Little girl is threatened by a beautiful, all powerful fairy queen type character and summons magical skill and the aid of the little fucking Irish hooligan bastards to save the day. Laughs ensue. Serious. protip: Fuck the kids, read this shit yourself it's great.

I'll round this out with another from Barker. Did you know that Clive Barker can paint? Well he can! ...and he did. This book is full of wacky (verging on psycho) illustrations from the masters hand. I was fortunate enough to pick this book up second hand about a year ago, and I loved it. Barker puts together  a world with characters that are easily identifiable to any child, while simultaneously skull-fucking YOU, the adult, with allegory and commentary on today's Social-global dynamic. ...asshole.  Basic premise is this: Small town girl (living in a lonely world) finds an escape to the world of the Abarat, which is a sea with twenty four islands, each island exists eternally in a corresponding hour of the day, and is left to her own devices. Like Labyrinth meets, well...'s like Labyrinth, but different okay?

   So there you go. Yes adults can read children's books and enjoy them greatly. So don't be a dick, read to your goddamn kids, or nieces or nephews, read to your little bratty fucking brother or sister. That shit's important and you'll both be better for it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Atrocity Archives (Eldritch comedy From the Vast Deep)

"Dungeons & Dragons? Sorry, saving the world."
   Charles Stross is a fantastic author out of Scotland, he spent much of his early career in the I.T. sector and writing technical manuals for software, this gave him a solid background in professional geekdom.

  This book, and it's sequel  are very dear to me. Just to give you an overview of the premise: Hard core computer geekery, mixed with James Bond style super secret spy organization, peppered with nifty gadgetry, and smothered in a delightful Lovecraftian Cthulhu sauce. Bake on high for 30 minutes, sprinkle with neurotic characters, and serve well done with a massive helping of absurdly funny.

   Our Hero's name is Howard, Bob Howard, a lower level clerk in a British secret agency known as The Laundry. For the most part hi life is pretty simple, one day he's coding a simple summoning circle in his tiny office, the next day he has to track down someone who accidentally drew a symbol in a Magic: The gathering deck that could release an ancient horror the likes of which the world has never seen. After all that mundane frivolity, Bob heads home to the flat that he shares with two of his co-workers (affectionately named Pinky and Brain) who happen to be super geniuses, super geeks, and also super gay. He walks in the door to Brain doing obscure experiments with eggs and magnets, while Pinky is dressed for a night on the town in his best leather assless chaps. A small Nerf battle ensues and ends with a truce of pizza and booze. Thus is the life of Bob.

  There is a plot to this book, with obstacles and dramatic climaxes, love interests and harrowing suspense. ...but I want you to find that out on your own, and hopefully I've given you enough to peak your interest.

   On a side note, I've corresponded with Mr. Stross and am convinced that he's a /b/tard, he has a book in the works that's due out soon called Rule 34.  When I asked him about it all he said was: "I want the publisher to do an internet advertising campaign, sort of a cross between 'Goatse' and 'Hamsterdance', I'll call it 'Goatsedance.exe'.

True story. ...and now, by popular demand, I bring you MOAR Turkish Bath House!
Is that a flannel in my ass, or are you just happy to see me?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Sunrise Lands (post-Apocolicious)

Is that a crossbow? or are you just happy to see me?
  I was lucky enough to be broke last time I went to the bookstore, and when I saw this shit on the shelf for $5.99 I just sort of picked it up on principal, I mean, 6 bucks for a hard cover book; Fuck yeah!

  As you can tell from the cover (unless you have Down's Syndrome or are otherwise enfeebled), this happens to be a book with a story that is very dear to me; Post Apocalypse (fuck yeah!). Any time I see a book, movie, play, graphic novel, song, old-bum-telling-a-story, whetever about a post-apocalyptic world, I'm in. The idea that there's been some massive, world changing event that fucks humanities shit up so badly that only a small percentage survive is A-Okay in my book.

  This one is particularly good due to the total, and instant, failure of technology. Imagine it: No electricity, guns won't fire, cars sit on half-full highways rotting away, man is left to hold itself together with blades, bows, and sheer balls-crunching baddassery. Fuck yes! If that doesn't
gum up your knickers, well, you must be dead inside.

   This book is set in America, primarily the pacific northwest, around 35 years after everything went egg-shaped and humanity nutted the fuck up and wiped itself out due to sheer panic and cattle like idiocy. We find a world that's broken up into groups of varying size, all pulling together to remake society in their image. You have The McKenzie clan in southern Oregon, (Renaissance Fair throwbacks who had the skills to get by in a world with no technology). You have the Bearkiller Tribe just south of them (more hardcore fuckers from the old world). The Central Oregon Rancher's Society (pretentious twats mimicking bloody old England) The United States Of Boise (A bad motherfucking ex-special forces Captain trying to bring back the glory of the U.S. from Idaho). A batshit insane, yet surprisingly powerful cult, who's power base is in Montana. A whole fuckton of Mormons, and a bunch of other fuckers that do some stuff. WAIT! Don't let me forget about the people from northern Oregon! These weirdos were started by some bitch who was nuts for The Lord of the Rings books and made a clan where everybody spoke Elvish, and get this; they're all trained from birth to be the baddest fucking fighters out there.

  I'm going to close this out by saying that this shit is bananas. Not even fucking around, ass kickery, bloodshed, copious debauchery, shit's fucking awesome. I'll be reading more of this series as soon as i get the chance.

Stay tuned for moar Turkish Bath house pics!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Lamb: The gospel according to Biff, Christ's childhood pal. (loljesus)

Sweet, delicious blasphemy...
  Christopher Moore has given the world a panoply of funny books, with antics ranging from a sea monster fucking a gasoline tanker to a giant vampire cat that rapes anything that moves. ...anything.  I've read them all, and I'm sure that I'll review them as time goes by, but today we're looking at a sweet little book called Lamb.

  The premise is simple enough; Biff,  Jesus' bumbling buddy is resurrected and locked in a hotel in modern day New York by an angel (who happens to be a huge fuck up as far as angels are concerned) and forced to write his account of the life of Christ. Throughout the story, you get brought back to the hotel where some serious Jack Lemon Walter Mathau shit keeps happening. Lulz ensue.

  Now, did you know that the Son of God was a Kung Fu master that trained in the shaolin temples for years? Well fuck your shit cos that's what happened. Did you know that Mary Magdalin was hot in the panties for ol' Jesus and tried to fuck him on more than one occasion? Well you do now. Did you know that watching your best friend fucking a hooker can keep you free of sin? It can, and it did!. And that whole "water into wine" thing? Great fun at parties.

  Honestly, if you have a funny bone, this book will tickle it.

  ...also, Biff spends his most of his life trying to fuck Mary, Jesus' mom and getting the shit beat out of him by Jesus.

   And now, by request, a Turkish Bath house. You're welcome.
Errybody gettin raped!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Quick deviation post...

Disregard that post, I refuse to whore myself that badly.

American Gods (or The Best Goddamn Urban Fantasy Ever)

As soon as I read the first page I came and started farting.
  Neil Gaiman, you love him or hate him, he's given us everything from hugely popular graphic novels to Dr. Who scripts, to odd movie adaptations of some of his lesser quality novels.

  And then this, this fucking book. I swear on everything holy, if you only read one fantasy novel, read this amazing motherfucker right here.

  Just a quick rundown: Bad ass fucking protagonist by the name of Shadow (yes, his name is Shadow, my fiance flat out refuses to let me name our first child Shadow, because she is a soulless bitch), but yeah, Shadow meets up with a one eyed, bearded, old fucker named Wednesday, things happen, a trip across the U.S. ensues where many interesting players are met.

  Now here's the hook: Gods are real. They're tangible beings that interact with people on a daily basis, all of the old religions that came along with the various peoples that immigrated to the United States throughout history brought along the deity or deities that they worshiped. Sounds fucking awesome huh? Well it is.

   So this is where we're at with this: Go out and buy this book, then clear your fucking calender because you're gonna tear into it like a lion on a baby deer.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Redemption of Althalus (The Eddings' do it again)

Does this hat make my eyes look evil?
  Oh the Eddingses. If any of you have read any of the books in the Belgariad or the Mallorion, you'll understand why I have a soft spot for their work. I think I can sum up my attraction to their writing style thusly:

 Thankyouthankyouthankyou for making three dimensional characters! Not only are they smart, but the have fucking humor and react to situations in ways that normal people would.

  Which brings me back to Althalus. Do you see that evil looking fucker on the cover? Look at him. He scares the shit out of me. That's Althalus, and whatever introverted retard they hired to visualize him was WAAAAY of the mark. Al (we'll cal him "Al" from now on), anyway, Al is not evil, he's a smarmy, tricky fucker, kind of a douchebag, but deep down he's got a heart of gold. Cliche' I know, but it works, so don't fuck with it.

  Just a quick rundown: Master thief and trickster, Al is fucking around one day and is taken in by a cat/goddess who shields him from time and uses him to complete various tasks throughout history to achieve a specific end. He develops a relationship over time with the cat/goddess which becomes a romance.

  ...also, he fucks the cat/goddess.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Bitches don't know about my colostomy bag.
Okay Hombres and Mujeres,
  Do you like stories with fun, laughter, belligerent drunken acts, violins, flowers and a fairy race war?

   Well, I have just the book for you! Asian ninja fairies? Yep! Black soul brotha' fairies? Uh huh. Drunken, vomiting Irish fairies? No end to 'em! Shove those together with overweight, emo violin player meets awesome and hot girl with Crohn's Disease and you have the perfect recipe for a book full of so much goddamn awesome that your head might just explode.

Long story short: Buy it, read it, love it, thank me.

And Another Thing... (not Douglas Adams)

"I'm not Doug Adams."
   Shortest reveiw yet...
  What the fuck was going through Mr. Colfer's head here? "Oh, I have a good idea; Lets revive the greatest piece of comic literature in history and rape it's ass with a watermelon!"

  No! No, and fuck you Ian.

   Don't touch this piece of shit with 10' pole.

Age of Misrule; Darkest Hour (second verse, same as the first)

"Those peppers were HOT!
  Well, in keeping with the tradition of the first mythologasm, Darkest Hour gives a whole lot more of the same thing. The character development is coming along, but I still don't like any of them. As a matter of fact, Church, Viech, and Laura get more lackluster as they get more fleshed out. C'mon Chadbourn, get with the program.

  I'm still in love with the story, the mythology is still all kinds of fun, the settings continue to pull me in, so he's not doing too bad.

   Ultimate verdict: Slightly better than the first, but getting tedious.

(will be finished with Always Forever shortly)

Age of Misrule; World's End (here we go guys)

Beware the Pecs of Cerrunos!
 Oh, Mr. Chadbourn.
   I went into this series with medium to low expectations, cool cover art, okay reviews, oversized paperback format, all these things point me towards a solid swords and horses fantasy, add in modern/urban settings, and boom! Just what I want to read.
   In reality, it went as far above my expectations as it went below them. The story is fantastic, could not have enjoyed more the idea that the modern world shifts from scientific rules to magical. Simply put: I love that type of shit. However, the characters, for the most part, were shitty and unlikable, and the dialogue left a lot to be desired.

   To sum up; Magic! Gods! Dragons over bloody fucking London! And a bunch of boring motherfuckers ineffectually trying to do cool shit without having cool shit to do.