Friday, September 17, 2010

The Nymphos of Rocky Flats (No, wait! Come back...)

I got nothing on this one. ...nothing.
   Do you like vampires but you're sick and tired of the flaming homosexuality and general emo attitude of every single goddamn modern vampire mythos out there today? Well, have I got the book for you!

  Our hero is Felix Gomez, (a beaner? No wai!) an Iraqi war veteran-turned-vampire. But instead of despising his vampire nature and getting all weepy like a bitch the whole time, Felix embraces the fact that he's on top of the food chain and proceeds to be a skull crunchingly badass motherfucker. Having only been a vampire for a short time, and beating the fuck out of anything that looks at him wrong, he's recognized by the Arenium, which is sort of like the vampire U.N., and is quickly recruited as a curb stomping enforcer of vampire law.

   Ultimately, cool shit happens, asses are thoroughly dryfucked by the vampire cock of justice, and all is right with the world. 

    Now, I lurk the fantasy/Sci-fi section of bookstores like newfags need to lurk image based message boards, and I had spent about three years patently avoiding this book. Walking past it, seeing it sitting there in the "A" section as I look for books by Robert Asprin, Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, and occasionally Piers Anthony. ...mocking me. My eye would be drawn to this book time and time again, and I would ignore it time and time again. Until one day, when I had nothing else that I felt like reading and it was on sale. I cursed myself, grabbed the book, and covered my face while I was standing in line to hide my shame.

   What I would've never guessed was how much I was going to LOVE this book, and for the most part every subsequent book in the series thus far.

   Judgment: Buy this book, shit's fun to read, yo.

"You want I...     ...zcrub ya dick?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Midway poast.....

Look guys (and gals), I usualy only make one post a day, but I feel I need to clear the air. I'm getting mixed reviews in regards to the Turkish Bath House pics, so I need some input, to bath house or not to bath house.

  Pic related: It's a bath House.
We're probably going to get drunk and fuck later.

A Kiss Before the Apocolypse (...seriously)

   In the ripe tradition of entertainment milestones the likes of daytime TV's Hercules, Zena, Touched by an Angel, and the Perennial Highway to Heaven, Mr. Sniegoski has woven a tale to warm the hearts and minds of middle aged women all over the world.

   In all honesty, it's not that bile inducingly bad. While the level of sloppy romantic vaginosity is slightly higher than I like in relationship to the level of scrotum bursting ass kickery, the story promises enough to look past it. ...but just barely.

   Our Hero is Remy Chandler, he works as a Private Eye and sometime expert in collaboration with the local Police Department. But wait just a cock mongling minute! Could it be true that this "Remy" might be more than he seems? You're goddamn right he is! This ain't no small time private dick, this motherfucker is the angel Remiel, one of the throat punching bad ass leaders of God's Army. When Lucifer rose up all alpha as fuck to get his shit, Remiel grabbed his flaming sword, donned his archangel armor, and smacked Lucifer down like a bitch!

  Problem was, after the war, Remiel went all pussified and renounced his place at God's right hand. He moved down to earth to live as a human. It's kind of like quitting your job at Google to go work for McDonald's... Anyway, long story short, Remiel is now Remy and he lives on earth, shit threatens earth, four horsemen of the apocalypse show up, Remy puts the smack down on them and his aged wife dies a tear jerking death.

Final judgment: Don't bother unless you have some time to kill and are out of interesting things to do.
Watch for the sequel: Man, Dog, Sword

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

And Now, For Your Reading Pleasure, Superhero Bobblehead Reveiws Four Children's Books

   Per the request of one of my most adamant supporters, Silly Old Bum, who's content is both informative and pleasing to the eye, I am going to recommend some books that can be enjoyed by both adults and children alike.

Bitches don't know 'bout my Clockdog
   One of the paramount children's books of all time has to be The Phantom Tollbooth, but don't let the "children's" thing scare you away. This Book is like an acid trip through musicland, seriously reads like it's a second cousin to Yellow Submarine. There's so much fucking imagery in this book that, if read aloud to your child, you find yourselves both transported to the same fantasy world.

   protip: Smoke some weed or have a couple of cocktails and mimic the characters voices as you read it to a small child, shit's fun, yo.


"Does my face make my face look scary?"

   Okay, I know what you're thinking; "Clive Barker? Who the fuck is going to read to their kids some shit that was written by  the master of modern horror?". The obvious answer to that is: You, you sick fuck. Mr. Barker is, in fact, a fantastic writer of children's suspense, providing vivid imagery, and fantastic over the top characters that can range from the magical, to the mundane, to the downright fucking frightening. But the story is great, kind of like The Puppet Master meets Peter Pan (but without the brutal, yet comic, murder sequences).

   protip: Do not read this to a child under 8 years old before bed.

   Oh, Terry. It's a shame that he's suffering from Alzheimer's disease, he really is the best. Anyway, The Wee Free Men is a book about Pictsies (Not bloody Pixies, ya wanker!). Pictsies are these little blue, kilt waring, hard drinking, hard fighting, sheep stealing, prank playing assholes who befriend a little girl who happens to be an outcast and aspiring witch. Little girl is threatened by a beautiful, all powerful fairy queen type character and summons magical skill and the aid of the little fucking Irish hooligan bastards to save the day. Laughs ensue. Serious. protip: Fuck the kids, read this shit yourself it's great.

I'll round this out with another from Barker. Did you know that Clive Barker can paint? Well he can! ...and he did. This book is full of wacky (verging on psycho) illustrations from the masters hand. I was fortunate enough to pick this book up second hand about a year ago, and I loved it. Barker puts together  a world with characters that are easily identifiable to any child, while simultaneously skull-fucking YOU, the adult, with allegory and commentary on today's Social-global dynamic. ...asshole.  Basic premise is this: Small town girl (living in a lonely world) finds an escape to the world of the Abarat, which is a sea with twenty four islands, each island exists eternally in a corresponding hour of the day, and is left to her own devices. Like Labyrinth meets, well...'s like Labyrinth, but different okay?

   So there you go. Yes adults can read children's books and enjoy them greatly. So don't be a dick, read to your goddamn kids, or nieces or nephews, read to your little bratty fucking brother or sister. That shit's important and you'll both be better for it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Atrocity Archives (Eldritch comedy From the Vast Deep)

"Dungeons & Dragons? Sorry, saving the world."
   Charles Stross is a fantastic author out of Scotland, he spent much of his early career in the I.T. sector and writing technical manuals for software, this gave him a solid background in professional geekdom.

  This book, and it's sequel  are very dear to me. Just to give you an overview of the premise: Hard core computer geekery, mixed with James Bond style super secret spy organization, peppered with nifty gadgetry, and smothered in a delightful Lovecraftian Cthulhu sauce. Bake on high for 30 minutes, sprinkle with neurotic characters, and serve well done with a massive helping of absurdly funny.

   Our Hero's name is Howard, Bob Howard, a lower level clerk in a British secret agency known as The Laundry. For the most part hi life is pretty simple, one day he's coding a simple summoning circle in his tiny office, the next day he has to track down someone who accidentally drew a symbol in a Magic: The gathering deck that could release an ancient horror the likes of which the world has never seen. After all that mundane frivolity, Bob heads home to the flat that he shares with two of his co-workers (affectionately named Pinky and Brain) who happen to be super geniuses, super geeks, and also super gay. He walks in the door to Brain doing obscure experiments with eggs and magnets, while Pinky is dressed for a night on the town in his best leather assless chaps. A small Nerf battle ensues and ends with a truce of pizza and booze. Thus is the life of Bob.

  There is a plot to this book, with obstacles and dramatic climaxes, love interests and harrowing suspense. ...but I want you to find that out on your own, and hopefully I've given you enough to peak your interest.

   On a side note, I've corresponded with Mr. Stross and am convinced that he's a /b/tard, he has a book in the works that's due out soon called Rule 34.  When I asked him about it all he said was: "I want the publisher to do an internet advertising campaign, sort of a cross between 'Goatse' and 'Hamsterdance', I'll call it 'Goatsedance.exe'.

True story. ...and now, by popular demand, I bring you MOAR Turkish Bath House!
Is that a flannel in my ass, or are you just happy to see me?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Sunrise Lands (post-Apocolicious)

Is that a crossbow? or are you just happy to see me?
  I was lucky enough to be broke last time I went to the bookstore, and when I saw this shit on the shelf for $5.99 I just sort of picked it up on principal, I mean, 6 bucks for a hard cover book; Fuck yeah!

  As you can tell from the cover (unless you have Down's Syndrome or are otherwise enfeebled), this happens to be a book with a story that is very dear to me; Post Apocalypse (fuck yeah!). Any time I see a book, movie, play, graphic novel, song, old-bum-telling-a-story, whetever about a post-apocalyptic world, I'm in. The idea that there's been some massive, world changing event that fucks humanities shit up so badly that only a small percentage survive is A-Okay in my book.

  This one is particularly good due to the total, and instant, failure of technology. Imagine it: No electricity, guns won't fire, cars sit on half-full highways rotting away, man is left to hold itself together with blades, bows, and sheer balls-crunching baddassery. Fuck yes! If that doesn't
gum up your knickers, well, you must be dead inside.

   This book is set in America, primarily the pacific northwest, around 35 years after everything went egg-shaped and humanity nutted the fuck up and wiped itself out due to sheer panic and cattle like idiocy. We find a world that's broken up into groups of varying size, all pulling together to remake society in their image. You have The McKenzie clan in southern Oregon, (Renaissance Fair throwbacks who had the skills to get by in a world with no technology). You have the Bearkiller Tribe just south of them (more hardcore fuckers from the old world). The Central Oregon Rancher's Society (pretentious twats mimicking bloody old England) The United States Of Boise (A bad motherfucking ex-special forces Captain trying to bring back the glory of the U.S. from Idaho). A batshit insane, yet surprisingly powerful cult, who's power base is in Montana. A whole fuckton of Mormons, and a bunch of other fuckers that do some stuff. WAIT! Don't let me forget about the people from northern Oregon! These weirdos were started by some bitch who was nuts for The Lord of the Rings books and made a clan where everybody spoke Elvish, and get this; they're all trained from birth to be the baddest fucking fighters out there.

  I'm going to close this out by saying that this shit is bananas. Not even fucking around, ass kickery, bloodshed, copious debauchery, shit's fucking awesome. I'll be reading more of this series as soon as i get the chance.

Stay tuned for moar Turkish Bath house pics!